What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 03:10
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
(And it was in our own minds.)
But ive been too sick for many years..
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Comes on , in middle age.
I have no regrets .
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So whats the point in blame.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
How do online business networking groups compare to in-person ones?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I don,t even have a pension.
Why are daughters mean to their mothers?
So, i spoilt her more .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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Who then, do I blame.?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Is there a way to remove tar from my lungs?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was 9 years of age.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why are you a Muslim? Why is it Islam for you and not something else?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Put me off passion for life!!
Why do I feel so lazy every time I get into my room?
But, we were locked up after school.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
When she asked me how she looked .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We were not on the streets..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But it wasn’t much.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And i lived it daily.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I couldn’t, believe it.
Would this be the day?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I waited trembling.
Was to survive, this bastard.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I will be 64.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I said to her
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She wouldn,t have been !
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was scared of men, in general
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My life is so biszare .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He knew the spot.
One cannot live in the past .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
This is soul school!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was seconnd youngest,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She was in good health!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My family never makes their pension either.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
What did i know ?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She loved him until the end.
I write beautiful poetry .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why did i forgive my father ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She found it foreign!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was very sick at this time too.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She married twice! .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
All the time i was locked up.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
It was going to be , some day.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He resisted the act ,that day.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Ive learnt so much.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As i do to all so called friends.?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We all went to grammer schools
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I never cut or harmed myself..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I think the readers, may guess!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im still living with it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!